Apotheosis of evil. I'm a baptised christian who doubts the existence of God.
An avatar of anti-socialism who doesn't fit anywhere in humanity.
I'm tired and lonely... the world is meaningless to me... I want to be forgiven for my sin against someone
very dear. Yet that someone has become a mere memory, no longer an existence in my life.
Endless lament... sorrow... because I was foolish and stubborn.
"I once tried to exploit the darkness within me. But I failed, and it backfired. I was lost in the
darkness, and couldn't find the light."
August 2004
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And I thought... I could live normally again. Perhaps I was too naive. Far too naive. Sigh. Just yesterday, what should have stopped more than a year and a half ago seemed to have resumed. On the stairs up to my place were written my flat no. , and some other rubbish... by loansharks. Those that actually have access to this page would, well, know about my runaway dad. That useless bastard. That son of a bitch. I damn him down the depths of hell.
The first time it happened, back in June 2003, they shattered the window at my place. After a police report was made, I enjoyed peace and quiet, I had wonderful friends at a new church I went to, I had people who liked me for what I am. I thought life would pick up. And with the ditching matter(which I have been brooding over for an eternity I might add, baka me, i know, thank you), my grandpa's death, the issue over the maid, the flunking of prelims, life just isn't going the way I hoped it would. And wow. That !@#$%^* can't be contacted anymore. He fled. And my mother has to clean up his entire mess for him? Why? Why can't he just give himself to those people and sell labour and let them torture and slaughter him? Why is it that in this world the bad people enjoy luxury and the good ones have to clean up their mess, bear their burden, and God-knows-what-else. And the Singapore government, instead of improving security around, prefers to assume the safety of citizens and pays more attention to cultural erosion (the neglecting of chinese) and falling birthrate. (which is ridiculous, considering my great grandma has more than 10 great grandchildren) And thanks to all that maternity leave and whatsoever, MY mother has to cover up for her workers and work extra. SHE does NOT deserve any of this. AT ALL.
Thinking back at the stuff. Maybe I really AM a jinx. And I'm weak too. I can't do anything to help at all. If by any chance were I able to have one of those !@#$%^& or the big source of all trouble tied up in front of me, I'll be sure to cut off their fingers and toes one by one, pass a live current through their wound, then carve 'death' all over their skin, pour salt into their wounds and let them bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed. Then I'd hang them upside down till the blood rushes up to their head. Next I'd wait for a live cockroach to run around and I'd throw it into their mouth and stick masking tape to cover up. But I will not let them die. They will suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer until I'm satisfied. And if they lick my feet and swear to be my slave for eternity I'll consider throwing them into the canal behind my house and let them die an easier death.
And guess what? It happened exactly 1 year after I was ditched! Hahahahahaha!!! I know I was ditched on Feb 14 which is today, but last year was a leap year. So it's 365 days exact. God says we're born here to suffer, I'll buy that. But still... I don't know what I did that made me deserve all of this. Even though I was a nuisance to people, I was rude and stuff, I DID try not to get in anyone's way. I DID try to be nice to others. Don't tell me 'trying is not enough'. In this world, it's already a difficult task to just TRY to be nice to others. Those that are nice don't get what they deserve, those that wield power are those that are nowhere near the world 'nice'.
And yeah, I cried again yesterday. Cried not because I'm scared of those ruffians. Cried because I had a worthless father whom I will never acknowledge. Cried because I could never live life like those who have a perfect family. Cried because I was not good enough to keep her. Cried because I miss her so much. Cried because I can't go to JC like my friends. Cried because nobody was beside me. Cried because life is like this to me. Cried because I'm the type of person that blames it on life. Cried because I don't want to change that. Cried because I cry over minor matters. Cried because I don't even know why I'm crying anymore.
he yawned again at 11:26 AM