Apotheosis of evil. I'm a baptised christian who doubts the existence of God.
An avatar of anti-socialism who doesn't fit anywhere in humanity.
I'm tired and lonely... the world is meaningless to me... I want to be forgiven for my sin against someone
very dear. Yet that someone has become a mere memory, no longer an existence in my life.
Endless lament... sorrow... because I was foolish and stubborn.
"I once tried to exploit the darkness within me. But I failed, and it backfired. I was lost in the
darkness, and couldn't find the light."
August 2004
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October 2009
This is the first time.. the first time I got seriously angry with her. I don't know how it came to this.. Sigh. In the beginning, while I was still thinking about going after her.. some friends we both knew said things to me.. I won't name them.. but the comments were like 'I won't stop you, but be careful, she's a very big flirt', 'I don't think it's going to be easy for you..', 'you be careful ah, she got tendency for san fen zhong re du', things like that.
But I didn't care. I wanted to have faith in her. I wanted to believe in her, wanted to believe the words she said to me. I believed that faith and patience will make a relationship work. I was right. I think I still am. Because right now it just doesn't work because I'm losing my patience, I'm losing all that trust I had in her. I guess she realli likes being with other guys, can't change that. She's just naturally like that, and I'm just naturally unable to accept it. If I can watch her laugh around with other guys and share their own secret messages and all, sure, but unfortunately, I'm not.
During lessontime I keep turning to see her look so happie with them and all.. pass something to some guy.. yeah, me being sensitive again, of course I'm sensitive. I'm a bloody jerk. I just bit my lip realli hard during lesson and kept quiet. After school ended I decided I couldn't take it anymore, I had to get her out of my sight before I ripped apart the nearest person beside me. I swear I was going to tear Ivan into pieces in school. And he's innocent too.
And then she came to try and talk to me while I was rushing out. By then I was already far from sane. My heart hurts so much when she tried to talk to me. Why is she still torturing me like this? Is she having fun making me suffer? Led by my emotions the onli thing I wanted to do was leave, I didn't want to see her. When I sat down alone outside the PAC I wanted to just break down and cry. I didn't want to perform one bit. Not one bit. And I got an sms that read 'Sorry.' Sorry. How many times has she said that already and still nothing has changed? If a simple word of apology works all the time, why would there even be wars in the world? I fire a missile at you and I say sorry, end of story? I wish the world worked that way.
During the course of the concert she messaged me a few times but I just didn't want to reply. She'll onli pay any attention to me at all onli when I'm realli facing despair. Even when she came to me with the rest of the class at the end of the performance it just didn't make me feel any better towards her. My onli interpretation of her actions were 'it's onli because Manfred and Jeremy aren't around, and well, boss is busy'. After that my mind kept wandering and I keep thinking.. maybe I'm just a substitute because Manfred and Jeremy are attached. Now boss looks like a viable option. When she attempted to hug me, I wanted to just shove her away. I'm not the one she wants. But.. I want to be the one she wants.. I just couldn't bring myself to push her away.. sob.. After that I tried my best to not give any attention to her.. it was so difficult.. I wanted to just go talk to her, spend time with her, send her home, thank her for coming, but I.. just didn't want to cling on to a false hope..
The day before we talked to each other.. I was happie that we both knew how each other felt.. and wel.. she said perhaps she's just testing my limits. If she was realli testing my limits, well there you have it. The long exceeded limit. If she wasn't, then well.. I seriously think.. she should think before using the word love. She told me that last time.. and well.. I gave it some serious thought, and I still think I can say I love her. Even now. I tried so very hard to hide my jealousy all this time. I tried to hard to close the gap between us. Is this what it means to be in love? It's this jealousy that's tearing me right now. Love is just.. plain suffering... save me..
he yawned again at 12:30 PM