Apotheosis of evil. I'm a baptised christian who doubts the existence of God.
An avatar of anti-socialism who doesn't fit anywhere in humanity.
I'm tired and lonely... the world is meaningless to me... I want to be forgiven for my sin against someone
very dear. Yet that someone has become a mere memory, no longer an existence in my life.
Endless lament... sorrow... because I was foolish and stubborn.
"I once tried to exploit the darkness within me. But I failed, and it backfired. I was lost in the
darkness, and couldn't find the light."
August 2004
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October 2009
~The feelings behind all the complaints made~
So now her decision is made.. but.. I don't know why, given her actions today and her reasons for it, I can't accept it. I can't. Right now my stand is.. the same as hers just a week ago. 'I think that we have both hurt each other, and that our distance has been increased by so much.. trust has been depleted too.. it will deteriorate further if we let things hang like this, both parties being unhappie.. we realli shouldn't do that.. so I hope that we'll try again.
Both of us misunderstand and catch each other at bad times now.. but I feel that if we are both going to be nice to each other, it would be great, just like the previous Monday when we went out together.' That's quoting her quite completely.. well I.. share her view. I think.. we're realli close. All this time. That's exactly why our actions would hurt each other that much too.. and both of us are proud people.. we don't want to give way when the other party is willing to, and the cycle continues with us exchanging roles.
It's not like.. I've been completely heartless or ungrateful.. every single effort she made to repair our relationship made me so happie.. When she sent those messages to me I was so touched, when she tried so hard for me and said she talked to him less since she knew that I dun like her to do so, I.. I was comforted. I was glad. When she cared so much for me being anorexic and all, I felt so secure. When she kept messaging mi on the concert day after she made me angry I.. I didn't reply, but deep inside the happiness just won't stop, I still wanted to devote my play for her and only her. When she tells me that she's sad to see me depressed I thought she was the sweetest girl. I know she's tired. I know she's done so much for us. So now.. I want to be the one doing the trying.
I regret so many things now. So many things could have been prevented if I didn't bottle things up, so many things could have been prevented if I had put aside some pride and put in some effort and clarified things and all. My greatest regret was to not go official with her. Then.. like I told her, I can tell other guys.. 'This is my girl'. Then we won't have all these stuff and me being a complete idiot and jerk. My second regret was to ask to break up with her in the first place. My third greatest regret was to give the cold shoulder when she asked if we could try again if our feelings remained unchanged. Then there's this one about me being nasty to her on the concert day. There's many things I realli wanted to do, which I regret not doing.. I wanted to hug her in front of everyone.. I wanted to.. pick up the mike during my solo.. and ask to play one more for her.. I prepared it but.. I couldn't do it. There's so many more. So many hurting words I wish I didn't say just because I was emotional.
I.. want to be the one to make the effort to go to her in class, ask her out, ask her over.. if I just wait for her to make demands.. nothing is going to get accomplished. Looking back on things.. I've been too dependent on her to sustain the relationship. What is my pride and a bit of face compared to a world with her? Now I'm going to persevere and hope that.. there'll come a day where we both want to be nice with each other and together again. The day before her birthday, and her birthday, and even yesterday.. they were so sweet. When I think back.. and look at the current situation.. I just don't want to let go of this girl.
I guess I'm not the only one
To tell you I can see the sun
In the smile you're smiling every day
You know you mean the world to me
I think I'm dreaming, but I see it
In your eyes and realize
That you are reality
I wanna thank you
I wanna thank you
In such a special way
For the time you spend with me in my life
Real good moments
'cause without you I could never survive
Believe me, it is true
I just wanna thank you
With everything that I owe you
A feeling that I never knew
Is what you left forever in my heart
You help me when I'm feeling pain
You lead me through the darkest lane
In my eyes
No surprise
You seperate the tears from falling rain
I wanna thank you
I wanna thank you
In such a special way
For the time you spend with me in my life
Real good moments
'cause without you I could never survive
Believe me, it is true
I just wanna thank you
Every minute I'm without you
Is a lost moment in my life
And that moment
Cuts deep like knife
You gave me power
To believe in myself
And my dreams again
You'll always be a part of me
I wanna thank you
I wanna thank you
In such a special way
For the time you spend with me in my life
Real good moments
That I always will remember you by
Real good moments
'cause without you I could never survive
Believe me, it is true
I just wanna thank you
Me : I still love you.
he yawned again at 4:51 PM