Apotheosis of evil. I'm a baptised christian who doubts the existence of God.
An avatar of anti-socialism who doesn't fit anywhere in humanity.
I'm tired and lonely... the world is meaningless to me... I want to be forgiven for my sin against someone
very dear. Yet that someone has become a mere memory, no longer an existence in my life.
Endless lament... sorrow... because I was foolish and stubborn.
"I once tried to exploit the darkness within me. But I failed, and it backfired. I was lost in the
darkness, and couldn't find the light."
August 2004
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Holding on.. I'm still holding on to that tiny bit of hope.. but it's realli looking impossible. But I want to hold on to it. Hold on to what I love, what I believe in. Hold on to her...
I realli don't want to complain anymore.. I don't want to be a reason for us to not be able to be together.. but it's.. realli saddening.. that she has daily chat sessions with him.. that she keeps smsing him in class.. I turn left and see her typing, then I turn right and see him typing, and I send a message that gets ignored.. Is that why she always got not enough sms to use? and somehow.. her going with him is like something so shameful that both of them got to hide it and do it discretely? If it's just buying hp battery what's there to hide.. why isn't she telling me.. why is he avoiding us and hiding behind the board? Why are they not talking out loud but using text messages to hold conversations? And the worst thing is that I dun know what they're talking about!!!!!! ='(
Sigh.. So insecure.. and so sad.. and right now I'm the one trying to patch so I'm realli in no position to complain but.. I don't realli understand.. 'I know you dun like me to do dat'.. so.. so she's knows, but she's doing it, and she thinks it'll be better to carry on doing it behind my back? But.. thinking like this is unreasonable, because I'm the one that wants it so I got to accept it.
Oh man. It's only been 3 days. 3 days since I tried. The first 2 days were successful I guess, but I think in my desperate efforts I sorta got too pushy and scared her away. I'm still trying to put aside all these idiotic feelings and persevere... if I can't do it then it's realli over.. I don't want it to be over. I want to be able to do it. I realli want to be with her. I think.. I can still stay strong for some time.. and pray that my efforts and heart will move her.. no matter how slim the chances..
he yawned again at 7:47 PM