Apotheosis of evil. I'm a baptised christian who doubts the existence of God.
An avatar of anti-socialism who doesn't fit anywhere in humanity.
I'm tired and lonely... the world is meaningless to me... I want to be forgiven for my sin against someone
very dear. Yet that someone has become a mere memory, no longer an existence in my life.
Endless lament... sorrow... because I was foolish and stubborn.
"I once tried to exploit the darkness within me. But I failed, and it backfired. I was lost in the
darkness, and couldn't find the light."
August 2004
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Hmmm.. recently I've been talking, thinking about her and only her.. well what to do.. my life revolved around her I guess. I wanted to be to her, her other best friend, what she is to her best friend. Someone always there, someone whom she can vent on and share with.. just a substitute for her best friend should she not be around.. but I'm not..
But oh well. I guess everyone's sick of me rambling on and on about her.. well, there were a lot of things going on in my life that I didn't realli talk about I guess.. aside from the loneliness after everyone seems to be gone.. I feel.. quite broke lolz. Birthday after birthday.. Ivan.. Kendrick.. Jenky.. now Victor too.. and for her birthday I spent.. hmmm nevermind. I don't want to talk about it haha, especially since she might be reading this =P Hurs.. I dun regret any of those though =) these are good friends, and one is my dearest..
There was PTM too.. for some reason that old man talked to me for over half an hour. Maybe because I'm the last person so he felt very happie? He was talking a lot of things that were like.. no link though. An interesting thing he said was.. 'Benjamin ah.. he's a boy with many positive traits.. even though he one ear deaf, he work very hard! Negative ah.. hard to find.' Wow. This guy is like.. deluded man. Negative traits.. plenty la. Easy to find. He's apparently not only deaf, but blind too. But nevermind.. later on.. he asked about my physics.. then well.. I told him about TKS and WWT.. well.. it's true that they can't be understood.. but then this guy.. he said he'd arrange for me another physics teacher in school to help me. Before morning assembly. At first I was realli reluctant about the whole thing.. but thinking further.. I guess.. it would make her happier for me to not go near her. So.. I made the decision to do it..
Then there's also.. the trip to the doctor.. to get inhaler.. and also to talk about my anorexia.. Well it turned into a sort of consultation.. and I got the rubber band that she realli hates.. well it realli helps though.. 'thought stopping' he calls it.. for real, whenever I want to do something for/to her I can use it to bring back my attention.. if not for it I think many times I would've bugged her like hell or maybe even forced myself onto her.. but.. she still doesn't like it.. so I.. stopped using it.. just there to remind myself now.. I'm not mentally strong at all.. if I were I wouldn't be so affected by all these things.. if I were I would've thought of this as inevitable and accepted everything.. but I didn't.. I can't..
I realized.. in the end everything I talk about is still related to her.. Sheesh. My world realli.. revolves around her. Back to her.. sigh.. Sometimes.. I find that the two of us.. well, there are the times that we're on realli good terms like before.. smiling with each other and talking about anything and everything and enjoying each others' company.. but then there are the times I feel that she's so hostile and it's like she wants to shred me into pieces.. and the switches are frequent and sudden.. I feel like.. to her I'm a thin line between soulmate and enemy.. it's like with me.. her anger is at the peak.. and the things I do to move her onli last for a moment that's shorter than that of a spark.. optimistic mi shall choose to think that it's because she can be honest to herself when I'm around.. hahaz but then this is increasing our distance by a lot.. a lot..
Well, I guess I can only accept it. No position to complain, I brought this upon myself.. but.. I still want to close the distance.. I don't want us to be.. estranged.. so there was that realli realli embarrassing and cheesy love message.. well.. I believe that if she were harsh with mi I would be hurt.. but.. if I were to stop loving her just because of a tiny bit of damage done, then I probably never did love her at all. That's what I think. That's.. my persistence.. good or bad I don't know.. she says it's good in a way but.. she seems to think otherwise.. hahaz I spend a lot of time thinking about all these kinda things when I'm not studying.. I seem to have stopped playing completely.. I'm kind of.. tired.. but still believing. This song realli adequately describes my feelings right now though..
在我的视线有一个模糊的光芒
指引我追寻心里的梦想
每一天我需要多一点勇气
灌溉我的心让信心能继续
我知道这旅程一定会很艰难
必须面对这一切不管多累
i believe 我有一天
会能够让自己所有的梦想实现
我知道会有一天
生命中的希望会在我眼前出现
再也不用一直怀疑
因为爱存在我心里面
cause i believe
cause i believe
要看清楚很容易迷失了方向
追寻这个梦让未来发光 oh..
不怕错只怕我知道不敢做
绝不能轻易把一切都放弃
i believe 就在今天
我一定让自己所有的梦想实现
因为我相信
在眼前每一个梦想都实现
我看的清楚看的很清楚
he yawned again at 8:09 PM