Apotheosis of evil. I'm a baptised christian who doubts the existence of God.
An avatar of anti-socialism who doesn't fit anywhere in humanity.
I'm tired and lonely... the world is meaningless to me... I want to be forgiven for my sin against someone
very dear. Yet that someone has become a mere memory, no longer an existence in my life.
Endless lament... sorrow... because I was foolish and stubborn.
"I once tried to exploit the darkness within me. But I failed, and it backfired. I was lost in the
darkness, and couldn't find the light."
August 2004
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My relationship with her.. it's realli.. full of regrets I guess. I regret doing so many things. Once again.. I hurt her yesterday.. It breaks my heart to see that sad expression on her face.. I realli realli realli curse myself. Why did I fall for her? Why did I ruin her life? It realli sucks to be targetted by me...
I've.. changed. I've realli changed. Right now.. I shan't make excuses, whether it's because of the devastation of losing her or not, I think I'm realli.. lusting after her. Yeah. It's horrible and it makes me feel realli low and disgusting. I don't know how I came to be this way. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough.. or maybe I'm trying too hard on my own... was what I said. Perhaps it's realli the latter. What she said was right I guess.. if keep everything to myself.. it's going to accumulate.. and one day it's going to go boom. And so it does.. and both of us end up sad.. it's.. terrible.
I think it started with me being overly cautious? Because I was afraid to be hurt, because I was afraid to hurt, I kept everything to myself. When she said she wanted to be alone, when she said she didn't want to meet up in the hols, I was honestly quite lonely and sad, but then.. I just let it be and smiled it away. And then that closeness faded slightly, and I saw the other guy coming up close, and.. in the beginning it was already bothering me.. but still I chose not to say anything. Then it accumulated, and.. I guess it's because I pay so much attention to her all the time that some things just.. add to all the stuff inside and it becomes.. worse. I don't dare to bring anything up to her because she's already given much to me..
And I'm increasingly being unable to make requests.. I don't dare to.. with the little time I have left with her I don't want any arguments to increase our distance anymore.. Because coincidentially.. whenever I ask to be with her she'll be either tired or wanting to be alone.. and it makes me feel even worse because.. I can call her a few hours later to find her with someone else or find that in this period she wants to be alone, she's going out happily with someone else. So yeah.. it realli.. makes my heart sink.. we don't talk anymore in school either.. And usually when that's the case I'll either keep quiet or explode along with everything kept inside..
I realli.. wonder how or why I've changed. To this.. piece of junk right now. After thinking about things yesterday night and today.. I.. sort of remembered myself. Just.. Loving her purely. Enjoying her company. Liking her voice. Her scent. Her presence. Yup. That's what I was.. that's what I should have been.. that's what I'm supposed to be.. Today.. Yeah I was something like that already. Somewhere close. Didn't even attempt to hold her hand or touch her in any way. Though it's still agonizing to be trying to be away from her in school.. I should be getting used to it soon.. otherwise.. oh well nevermind. Anyway.. the onli thing I'm not satisfied with is me still being clingy and wanting to stick to her longer.. I.. shouldn't. Even tried to hug her.. stupid me. Well.. other than that.. This is the way I should be.
并不是真的路过而已
也不是真的我会想你
全部不是真的
是骗自己
其实还爱你
爱着你
我以为我早想清楚
不由自主恍恍惚惚又走回头路
再看一眼有过的幸福
爱情好象流沙
我不挣扎
随它去吧我不害怕
爱情好象流沙
心里的牵挂
不原放下 oh baby 让我这样吧
爱情好象流沙
我不说话
等待黑暗让眼泪落下
爱情好象流沙
明知该躲它
无法自拔 oh baby 是我太傻
是一再的做
一再的错不由我
我一步一步一步一步慢慢走向流沙
he yawned again at 7:11 PM