[.:*kagou*:.] [ The Blog ]

Monday, August 21, 2006

Luckily recently she hasn't been online.. Maybe I got blocked? Nah.. I believe her. But anyway.. I realli realli need to vent out some stuff I guess.. while she isn't looking.. Some stuff I wanted to write in the letter earlier today but.. nevermind I guess. There are things better left untold. I just want to clear up the misunderstanding.. just dun like being ignored, not by her of all people.

I tell myself, she's just a friend, she wants you to be just a friend, she wants to be just a friend.. but as I thought.. it's still different.. it still feels realli weird.. I just can't see her as a friend. It feels terrible to be away from her. I dun like avoiding her. I dun like it one bit. I realli realli love her company.. but.. if I'm going to continue seeing her as something more then it's going to make her unhappie.. It's realli a dilemma to me.. I don't know what to do. Right now I'm.. closer to what I was before we started I guess. I want her to be happie. I'm willing to put aside my own happiness for hers.

The class BBQ.. I don't like to lie to her. I don't want to lie to her. Truth is, I realli don't want to see her being happie with other guys. No matter how I try, the jealousy just stays there. Same thing with class I guess, it's just always around. Since there was this period she was complaining my sticking to her is suffocating her and all.. I guess.. it'll make her happie for me to stay away? Then I won't suffocate her. Then I won't be jealous and it won't affect her. So.. isn't it good if I dun go? Anyway that place is special.. that's where I noticed the wounds on her hand and we started talking and getting realli close.. I don't want to remember all those things and look at the reality that's staring right at me. It's realli realli painful.

In all honesty all this.. not being with her is realli tearing me apart.. But when I think that.. she's happier like this, she smiles more with other people, she doesn't have to worry about me being around.. I feel that what I do is worth it.. I feel I shouldn't be selfish. I remember in one of my favourite animes.. Fate/Stay Night.. Shirou said.. 'I.. love her.. I want to stay with her forever.. but if I really love her.. then that's wrong.. I cannot allow my selfishness to taint her..' I wish I could said that too. I wish I could be unfeeling. But no matter how I try to avoid her, how I try to make things better for her.. she is right here. Right in my heart. It's something that I can't run away from... so at the very least.. I don't want it to be a burden to her.

So why is she angry? Why is it that I seem to be the onli person in the world that pisses her off more than anything else, perhaps even more than her mom? 'When your mom going Japan again? Those biscuits very nice...' I help you take! 'Can you lend me $50?' Sure, and I know you got financial issues, so take your time to return. 'You heard of AIR?' You wanna watch ah? I download and burn for you. 'I don't want a relationship now.. mainly because of studies..' I study with you, make you study =) 'Go away.' Okay.

Well there are the times I've been realli a jerk to her at her house.. and it honestly makes mi feel so very guilty and I reflect on all the things.. and the times like CW where I screwed up her program and I couldn't help her.. I know I'm not perfect but.. I'm trying to learn. I'm trying to prevent repeating mistakes. I'm trying to give her anything and everything that she asks for. And I'm trying to do that on my own, not relying on anyone else. I'm trying not to get too close so I won't anger her either so.. I realli don't know. It's like, she doesn't like me being around, but she seems to have an issue with me being around also so.. I'm.. I'm realli afraid of being hurt. I'm realli afraid of making requests and watching her turn them down. So I don't like to make requests.. I'd rather she just ask mi for help and then I'll realli realli happily help her. I couldn't express my happiness when last week she asked mi to help her carry her lecture notes. Even things like that would make me feel so great. But.. well.. I just can't seem to stop making her angry.

I feel like Harima Kenji now.. well the end of epi 19 was realli so romantic.. Sigh.. Anyway.. When she watched The Breakup.. she said she didn't like it because in the end they didn't get back together.. it's a foolish and ridiculous hope.. but I can dream right? Dreams are an impossible fantasy.. that's why they're called dreams.

两个原来陌生的名字
寂寞的公因数
是什么样子
我们受过的伤
在困难的考试
时间用它的方法
计算出爱的公式
爱情是怎样的两个字
未来乘以命运
等于是也许
我们用眼泪选择
分手的方式
你站在孤单门口
丢掉以后的钥匙
这是我的爱情程式
你的心别死
走出伤心的半径
再去爱一次
但愿你为了自己试一试
带走我的爱情程式
我要送给你
把回忆当作一面
诚实的镜子
从前那些日子
不是一张白纸
这世界还很大
请相信还有爱
相信永恒没有消失

也许我们已是过去式
思念加上距离
答案在风里
在掌心写下了
我爱你三个字
我愿意放弃永远
只要你重新开始

he yawned again at 6:42 PM