Apotheosis of evil. I'm a baptised christian who doubts the existence of God.
An avatar of anti-socialism who doesn't fit anywhere in humanity.
I'm tired and lonely... the world is meaningless to me... I want to be forgiven for my sin against someone
very dear. Yet that someone has become a mere memory, no longer an existence in my life.
Endless lament... sorrow... because I was foolish and stubborn.
"I once tried to exploit the darkness within me. But I failed, and it backfired. I was lost in the
darkness, and couldn't find the light."
August 2004
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Should be safe to carry on the post a few days back.. I don't think she comes here to read.
The tears.. the tears flow.. Maybe I realli already have broken down. I need to cry. I am crying. Sometimes I realli can't take it anymore. I want to give up, the world wants me to give up, but my heart won't let me give up, and I get depressed, I distract myself, I pull myself together, and tomorrow I smile to her again. And everyday it continues and.. I don't know why, I'm getting used to it, but I'm breaking down right now. Normally I'd just try and get someone and study together but today I realli don't think it's going to help, I had the urgent need to rush home and just.. let it all out.
Let's see what I'm worth to her. I'm worth nothing normally, 2 sentences if I decide to say something, 3 smses if I rack my brains and do everything that I can to make her happie. More if it's a complicated process that requires communication in between. That's.. seriously all. 'There's such a thing called sms limit' Yes, and using the calculator, she will have 16-17 smses a day for a month based on 500 free smses. I get 2. None if I dun even try. So.. in short, she does not even WANT to say anything to me. And sometimes even if I try I still get nothing.
Maybe after yesterday I managed to make her happie, that's why today I'm so disappointed? It doesn't make sense but when she TRIES to care, 'i beat myself up inside evrytime i c u becumin so upset ova me..' I'm not even EXPECTING ANYTHING out of the rest of the message but that alone makes me feel so happie... When she tells me that she's so worried about me and my health and all but.. she's.. saying that onli because it's the right thing to say and that hurts me.
It's not as if.. I'm making realli big time requests you know? I gave up asking her out already.. it's not even to watch movie.. and yesterday it wasn't even to study together.. my onli request was for her to 'go home earlier'. But my requests are seriously the rock bottom LAST PRIORITY to her. Yeah she go over other guys' house to study.. good for her.. I.. I don't know. I don't think she got asked, I think she asked for it, and I don't even get to study with her. STUDY, NOT ENJOY. It's not about me.. sulking because I got turned down but.. I feel CHEATED too. I was feeling realli depressed when she turned me down and told me all that crap about having no time to do her stuff when I see what she does with her time when she has it sometimes. Yeah sometimes she does study but.. I don't know. Even that time she told me for this period she wanted to go home straight after school and next day I find her going out I was so.. so stunned and.. I think I'm just jealous because of all this but.. it's more of betrayed I guess. I don't think I'm wrong.. Even at the bus stop yesterday when I sat and waited and stared and the bouquet I was feeling.. realli realli low.
I realli feel like.. an object. Need it, use it. Dun need it, leave one side. Use finish, throw. When there was cw at least still can talk. 'Help me do...' Yeah.. I did. After that? 'Xie xie ni~', Throw. 'I'm realli desperate now, can you help me do the ppt slide?' So.. she's onli going to come if she's desperate and exhausted all options.. but sure, I will do it anyway since it's coming from her, and it's late she should be sleeping earlier... Do finish, 'thanx thanx thanx!', throw.
Yeah.. I believe she was touched by 'how much I care for her and how much I love her'... maybe for the next 2 hours. I know it all.. I don't expect to get anything back in return seriously.. but it's just.. I don't know. My jealousy is killing me I believe. It feels terrible to see her going on her own will to another guy after I try so hard. Before that when my friend heard I was pulling off that stunt the reaction was like.. 'Still trying so hard? What are you expecting out of it?' Nothing. I expect nothing in return, I just want to give and make her happie that's all. But I got my hopes up for the caring part and I feel so.. foolish now. The last part about me making her fall for me again was obviously just something said out of impulse and.. if I actually believed it I believe I would've done something stupid like cut myself right now.
I'm done crying.. halfway through typing this I guess.. there's a lot of stuff I want to type and vent but.. I think I'll just go sleep and hope that I'll feel better, then pull myself together to smile again tomorrow. At times I wished I could close my eyes and then thoughts would just stop like that forever. I'm tired. Realli very tired.. very tired.. very tired.. very tired.. and.. honestly I feel realli betrayed. I feel that the one time she called me liar it hurt so much. And there's more than 10 times I could've called her liar. I think she's lying to herself about caring for me. I'm.. so very tired.. Anyway.. happie birthday, Karyne. If.. I didn't develop feelings for someone, I probably would've given you something this year too. This girl hurt me far more than you hahaz. This song won't stop playing in my head...
我记得那时候 你不让我牵你的手
激动得我快疯 像掉进一个无底的洞
苦笑都带点痛 自从你什么都不留给我追究
躲在我的背后 亲手你用温柔交换了这一场恶梦
oh baby why would you hurt me so long?
hurt me so long 这一个人不该是我
baby why would you hurt me so long?
please let me know 难过是你留给我的线索
莫非我的举动 成了你的苦衷
才暗示我的所有 你宁愿没有经过
爱预付得太多 不是没有想过 最愚笨的会是我
Woke up.. talked to her.. and feel like crying again. I'm becoming a crybaby sigh. But it's just.. argh.. okay great so she goes to cry to another guy, yeah I believe it wasn't planned.. 'You weren't even at the bbq.' Even if I was it would've ended up the same way, she still won't talk to me like it's always been these days, and then when she breaks down it'll happen to be him comforting her and they'll get so close and she'll go to his house after all. It is the same thing... He's so great because he comforted her, and I wonder what I have been trying to do the entire time. Have I been wasting my time?
It's not her fault.. but still some things just cut. Though she says she cares and she asks me what upsets me and all.. I.. I don't realli think it makes a difference. I mean she'll just continue to do it anyway, just more secretively. And I just happen to find out about things sometimes and.. I'll feel worse. If she feels so betrayed that I hid the fact that I was near the bbq site, how many times have I felt worse already? How many times have I experienced that kind of feeling already?
It realli realli feels like a nightmare revisited. Back then with the other guy she was also telling me things like it's impossible they won't have feelings and shunning me off. And then in the end she just suddenly told me she fell for him. The scenario is repeating once again with someone else and it's.. I don't know. I don't feel like making any requests or comments anymore.. I just woke up but I'm feeling so very tired and so very depressed..
he yawned again at 2:52 PM