[.:*kagou*:.] [ The Blog ]

Thursday, October 05, 2006

3 months have passed since we broke already, woohoo. And I'm still clinging on, I'm a stalker! Haha! I'm seriously going to die. I. Am. Seriously. Going. To. Die.

I should've known better than to be happie over anything she said.. It's like a trend.. everytime she says something nice to me the only thing it means is that I'm going to get hurt soon. She was blessed to have me? Yeah I'm sure man. I don't think words mean anything to her anymore... when did she mean anything she said to me other than the 'go away', 'i'm suffocated', and all the negative things that came?

Honestly, like I told her yesterday.. I'm realli very very exhausted already.. Sure, the things I do will reach her for a short while, and then she'll be back to hiding things from me and.. I don't know what to do to make her happier already.. It's not easy to smile at her and cheer her up while knowing that what I'm doing means nothing.. It's not easy to do so when I'm being consistently hurt by her.. Even though I don't like it, if that's what she likes to do she can go out with other guys all she want.. 'there's no point, really. trying is impossible without any support, and with discouragement, it's just useless to even try'.. people continue to discourage me, but I still want to try and support her.. probably after ranting I'll be back to trying again but sigh I need to output I guess.. It's just.. I can't help breaking down already.. it's happened so many times and I should be getting used to it but.. it still cuts everytime something like this happens.. why..?

And I'm sick of her double standards already.. I think.. I would be better off without her thanking me or being nice to me.. then I won't get my hopes up.. I won't feel that there might be a possibility.. 'How are you going to chase me if you don't ask me out? Asking me out is part of chasing..' It's not that I don't want to I guess.. I realli love spending time out with her but.. it's my past experiences with asking her out.. it's always..well when others ask it's sorta instant settle kind of thing but when I'm concerned she'll go out with me, but she'll let me know when. Is that so she can check her schedule and long list of people that ask her out? And she won't mind only if I settle everything when we go out.. but when we do she always isn't too happie with what I decide and she decides on her own anyway.. so I'm realli frustrated when she asks me for my opinion.. and she gets frustrated when I don't give my opinion.. so what does she want?

And when I do get the chance to go out the kind of things that happen are.. I have to wait because she's 'going home first' and all that kind of thing until I ask a little further and then 'I'm going out with another guy..'.. 'I.. have to go now, I'm meeting someone else after this.. it's.. a guy. Okay go ahead... but 'Do you mind?' If it realli bothered her whether I minded or not she wouldn't ask me just before she's going to meet him. And even if I minded she's going to just meet guys behind my back without telling me anyway. A lot of times I know but I don't want to say anything because we're not together.. honestly, since we're not together I wouldn't want to bother but it's just.. the things she say? 'I'm trying especially not to hurt you' Yeah sure, going out one-one with other guys secretly and hiding things from me is not hurting me. 'I'm trying to make us close again..' I'm sure about that, especially considering what she just did. Can she stop.. torturing me? I don't care if she doesn't love me back or anything, but I'd realli appreciate it if she would like.. not say these kind of things.. it's like she's intentionally preparing to hit me hard by taking down my defences..

And once is not enough she decides to go for a second hit.. and I think I'm going to take it anyway.. what's new? What has changed over the past few months? What's going to change even in future? She's a person of change, but that's the only thing that won't change, how ironic... I'm getting more and more tired.. Will I realli last until that time? I don't know.. I really don't.. I've tried for so long but yesterday was the most serious breakdown so far...

Stop lying to me.. Stop saying things you never meant.. I'LL CONTINUE TO GIVE MY BEST TO YOU EVEN IF YOU DON'T DO THAT SO STOP CHEATING MY FEELINGS ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!

爱像一阵风
吹完它就走
这样的节奏
谁都无可奈何
没有你以后
我灵魂失控
黑云在降落
我被它拖着走

静静悄悄默默离开
陷入了危险边缘baby~
我的世界已狂风暴雨
wu~爱情来的太快就像龙卷风
离不开暴风圈来不及逃
我不能再想
我不能再想
我不我不我不能
爱情走的太快就像龙卷风
不能承受我已无处可躲
我不要再想
我不要再想
我不我不我不要再想你
爱情来的太快就像龙卷风

不知不觉
你已经离开我
不知不觉
我跟了这节奏
后知后觉
又过了一个秋
后知后觉
我该好好生活

he yawned again at 2:49 PM