[.:*kagou*:.] [ The Blog ]

Saturday, November 04, 2006

It's been raining a lot recently.. on me.. within me. As if reflecting on my sinking mood and the inevitable beginning of the end of everything, the rain poured. As I got drenched while walking home in the rain.. I sorta.. lost it.. the rainwater tastes salty.. Not that I drank it directly but well.. yeah..

That's right. Strictly speaking, I'm not her father.

But well.. I guess it's even more depressing to think of it that way. Perhapps this family setting was my way of escaping things. But I really want to just stop all this pain once and for all.. I guess it was a bad idea to have accepted the presents from her after all.. it's making me have hopes again.. it's starting to make me feel clingy and all again.. and consequently.. it's making me disappointed again.

It's tiring. It's tiring to help her with everything knowing there won't be any results from it, knowing that the previous month had completely obliterated all chances of anything. But then again.. to begin with.. there wasn't any hope since she shoved me out of her life.. but well.. september just.. realli swayed me. 'Perhaps'... 'Maybe'... there might still be a hope? And after watching the things she do, listening to the things people say, it's one disappointment after another.. and the circumstances faced by both of us have sealed the fate of our relationship. If she won't study for herself.. she definitely won't change anything for me.. It's too late to change anything anyway.

'Time is something that we need, but time is something that we don't have right now.' I agree. But time is something that we'll never have... after the exams, it's going to be her holiday.. then it's going to be my NS.. then it's going to be her exams.. then it's going to be her work.. like what she said about her best friend, 'she'll never go out with me even after the exams.' That's right. She can't give me any of her time either.. no matter what the reason.. yet time is something I realli need.. 'I'll be here for you whenever you need me..' No you aren't.. you have hardly been.. and usually it's with such reluctance and it's.. it's just not.. But I guess I can understand her reasons.. she has a lot of things to cope with also.. but I wish she wouldn't make promises she can't keep.. I turn to other people.. I seek comfort and affection in them.. I thank them all for not losing their patience this whole time with me sincerely..

The facts that are staring right at me.. her half-hearted kindness that's been lingering.. they're constantly tearing at me.. they're killing me.. I'm tired.. I want to just lie down and rest after everything has ended.

I wonder when I started inheriting her traits? Or perhaps, I just returned to the way I used to be. I used to be negative.. then I had to be positive to cheer her up at times.. I still am.. and if she's not lying to me, her life has been getting better.. which is good.. while mine consistently maintains a steep downhill. Perhaps I swapped places with her while trying my best for her.. but then again.. I wish for her happiness far more than my own.. not because I'm her dad I guess..

Twenty days.. I think I can do it. Even if it's just one bit, for the period I'm still around I'll continue to do my best for her. Haha.. from the beginning, I've been writing my own script to my own end. I've chosen to be depressed. Think I've used the lyrics for this song just some time ago, but then again.. this is just adequate.

就像早就知道
一个故事所有情节
却是四处问一别人
熟悉感觉
我们心已了解
这出戏不该再见
却没有拒绝
我看着你对着空气作表情
没有对手的戏场又一场
你只好一个人对镜头笑
如果我真心爱你该有快乐结局
怪我不懂珍惜
把你推向他
我来不及改变结局
这是我自导自演的悲剧
自导自演的悲剧

那是什么动力
为何还要由而不屈
事情变得两害使人重复过去
毕竟有种美丽
爱越苦就越刺激
最后想像了意义
我看着你对着空气作表情
没有对手的戏场又一场
你只好一个人对镜头笑
如果我真心爱你该有快乐结局
怪我不懂珍惜
把你推向他
我来不及改变结局
这是我自导自演的悲剧
如果我真心爱你能否改变结局
还是不懂珍惜
又搁在以前
我来不及改变结局
这是我
自导自演的悲剧

是你是我
只能怪自己

he yawned again at 8:46 PM