Apotheosis of evil. I'm a baptised christian who doubts the existence of God.
An avatar of anti-socialism who doesn't fit anywhere in humanity.
I'm tired and lonely... the world is meaningless to me... I want to be forgiven for my sin against someone
very dear. Yet that someone has become a mere memory, no longer an existence in my life.
Endless lament... sorrow... because I was foolish and stubborn.
"I once tried to exploit the darkness within me. But I failed, and it backfired. I was lost in the
darkness, and couldn't find the light."
August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
October 2009
I miss her. And everyday I tell myself that I'll give her anything and everything she wants. And for that reason I hold myself and my feelings back. Just one week. Just one week and the mental stress has accumulated to a level where I already feel miserable.
I thought of her saying that.. this is the best ending.. and I try to hold myself back.. how in the world can this be the best ending? How is this, in any way, GOOD for me at all? But then if she thinks she's happie.. I ought to try harder..
And the downhill in life continues on with my NS life.. with responsibilities accumulating along with stress.
"Ben I want you to be in charge of all the laptops." Okay.
"Ben I want you to be in charge of all the temp passes." Okay.
"Ben I want you to be in charge of all the keepads." Okay.
"Ben I want the keepads to be used in the IH now, modify the slides on the spot when I say." Okay...
"WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN THE IH THE WHOLE DAY?!" Colonel Terence wanted to use..
"THE WHOLE DAY? HOW LONG WAS IT USED?!" One hour, but he wanted me to station there..
"NEXT TIME NO, BE IN THE OFFICE" Right.. though technically you all should sort it out then give me the orders.
"Ben I want you to sort out this list of people for the golf open this friday" Right..
And the list goes on..
Suddenly my responsibilities branch out of the networking department.. suddenly I'm required to know how other things and places work.. and with colleagues being absent I have to fill in for them and so I have to know what they do.. I feel like I'm doing like 3 person's share of work.. It's tiring.. and they're mostly unreasonable.. Just because I know how to do doesn't mean I have to do.. and when you all ask ME to do the work, I don't think you all are in a position to complain about the quality of it, since NONE of you bosses know ANYTHING about all these work at all, and all you all do is sit there and collect your damn pay which is at least 8 times mine.
I need someone to share with...
Stress and Depression accumulation : Love + Friendship + Work
he yawned again at 9:04 PM