Apotheosis of evil. I'm a baptised christian who doubts the existence of God.
An avatar of anti-socialism who doesn't fit anywhere in humanity.
I'm tired and lonely... the world is meaningless to me... I want to be forgiven for my sin against someone
very dear. Yet that someone has become a mere memory, no longer an existence in my life.
Endless lament... sorrow... because I was foolish and stubborn.
"I once tried to exploit the darkness within me. But I failed, and it backfired. I was lost in the
darkness, and couldn't find the light."
August 2004
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My throat hurts.. I think I sorta damaged my voice box a little last night... Last night was my first experience in KBOX. Kept screaming down the mike.. I thought it would make me feel better.. apparently, my throat didn't.
I was feeling slightly better in the morning today.. very slightly. But she had to send my mood completely downhill again. Lately I'm beginning to accept this as my being her source of venting, though she apparently doesn't think this way.
I tried to analyse what she wants from me... She doesn't want to be with me, she wants me to see her as a friend, when she knows very well I feel strongly about her.. That's impossible. She doesn't want to see me... but she's getting pissed if I tell her I'm not going to school to collect my results because I don't want to see her.. That's confusing. She wants to be friends, but I can feel her hostility when I try my best to be friendly, to be a FRIEND instead of an ADMIRER, and talk to her. She doesn't want me to die, but apparently she doesn't want to make me feel any negative, so my interpretation of this is that she wants me to stay alive and suffer and endure this living hell that she's putting me through. I'm trying hard to meet her expectations, but it's seemingly beyond me. I wonder if it's my existence alone that seems to disgust her that badly, but then again dying is not an option.
Yesterday the mental stress has accumulated to an amount that's tearing me apart already. And still, while just longing to hear a word from her, I try to meet her expectations and hide my feelings, but she broke me down once again. I tried to comfort myself by repeatedly telling myself in the head, she's still using you as her outlet for anger with many things in life, that's something only you can do.. and if it makes her feel better, you should do it..
WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LET ME DIE? IF YOU THINK MY EXISTENCE ITSELF IS SO FRUSTRATING TO YOU? 'No pay rise. Urgh. Results. Urgh.' WHO IN THE WORLD WAS IT WHO TRIED HIS BEST TO HELP YOU GET YOUR PAY RISE WHILE YOU ENJOYED LIFE AND HAPPILY PLANNED MY DESTRUCTION? WHO IN THE BLOODY HELL WAS IT WHO GAVE HIS ALL TO HELP YOU GET YOUR DESIRED RESULTS WHILE YOU TOOK EVERYTHING AS A JOKE AND WAITED FOR A CHANCE TO KILL ME LIKE THIS?!?!?!
he yawned again at 9:05 PM