Apotheosis of evil. I'm a baptised christian who doubts the existence of God.
An avatar of anti-socialism who doesn't fit anywhere in humanity.
I'm tired and lonely... the world is meaningless to me... I want to be forgiven for my sin against someone
very dear. Yet that someone has become a mere memory, no longer an existence in my life.
Endless lament... sorrow... because I was foolish and stubborn.
"I once tried to exploit the darkness within me. But I failed, and it backfired. I was lost in the
darkness, and couldn't find the light."
August 2004
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Over the past one week.. I have doomed any chances of possible love. I rid myself of someone very special, and I supported a rival in love. No matter which side it was, I did the right thing and chose the best possible option, but still, I feel like kicking myself after that, hahaa. And it doesn't help that I seem and feel like a flirt. Heck, the very fact there's 2 girls in my mind pretty much decides I'm a flirt.
Love aside, (stupid lovesick me) I stubbornly refuse to accept gifts, lifts or treats from my superiors as far as possible. Ego? Perhaps. Pride? Likely. Still, somewhere along the way I just gained the mentality 'give, but do not receive'. Might be because of the previous failed relationship in which I was labeled as 'too demanding'. I guess I am. So.. I try? I don't take? I help others all the time where possible? Then some people say 'Ben you should stop helping [insert name here] otherwise he'll keep doing that'
Am I an idiot? I don't know. I just feel that I shouldn't be selfish and think of onli myself. But it seems that if I stay this way I'm going to lead quite a depressing life haha! Seems as though the truth in this world is that one person's happiness would come at the expense of others. I chose to attend the concert tonight, but someone has to cover my duty. If I go for my operation, someone has to do the work in my place. If I choose to grant her happiness, I'll end up quite heartbroken. If I choose to die and take the easy way out of life, who knows, someone out there might be sad.
没想过爱情会下落不明
寂寞都不忍心
故事的结局走不出背影
我只能静静的
风吹醒 那些曾经
转过身 我用眼泪聆听
心 该怎么学会去
适应 那些没你的安静
我 也曾小心的收起所有回忆
却总是忍不住不断的翻起
（你却一直住在心里 是谁都无法代替）
爱开始了 该怎么去喊停
he yawned again at 10:00 AM