[.:*kagou*:.] [ The Blog ]

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Break time. At last. And now for the massive outbreak of emotions. Super long post.

And thus the nightmarish trend of 2007 continues. And I don't see things becoming better in 2008. I can only hope that 2009 would be a better year with the closure of NS and going back to schooling life. JC was too short.. the past 3 years made me realize that my life prior to this has been a complete waste of time. Why didn't I pick up music earlier? Why didn't I pick up other skills in my free time? And why do I even think of being nice to others? No gain.

I pull the department in my unit together on my own now. Colleague's in his own world, superior's getting posted elsewhere. Certainly I'm making the effort and trying to make things better for everyone. But people aren't appreciative. 'Do this this this'. 'Why isn't it done yet?' Hello, I'm only one person, and count it your privilege, not your entitlement, that I'm doing things OUT OF MY JOB SCOPE for an UTTERLY HOPELESS HUMAN like you. Is what I want to say, but I'm getting used to it already.. people taking advantage, people taking for granted.. on the MRT one day, I was sitting down resting.. and this person who got on the train accidentally jabbed me with a chair he was holding. Not a word of apology, but oh well, I later realized he was blind, so I said nothing and carried on resting. But shortly after that he asked me for help transferring files in his handphone. I did, although his tone towards me was crap. And after he was done, once again, not a word of gratitude, he just got up (and hit he again) and got off the train. And my colleague who has simply no regard for the people around him. Besides his leave entitlement, he tells me he wants to take 2 days mc before the leave starts to not come to camp longer. I frown a bit, but what the heck, he's retaking A Levels.. so.. I guess I'll take it for him. But when I look back, he slacks around during working hours, he tells me he wants to sleep and he goes off to sleep, the excuse being he's doing something that I do, and then people think I'm not doing work. And he does almost nothing but sit at his desk and study, and in all honesty, yes I'm backstabbing him, but I seriously can't take it anymore, he's a completely insensitive and selfish person. As a friend, I wish him all the best for his exams, but as a colleague I dread having to work with him most of the time.

And then there's the job that I got for myself. Extra self imposed stress. I got so stressed thinking about how to meet my own expectations, how to go about handling everything I want to do, my studies, my music, my NS life, and right now I want to be professional about things, so unlike that colleague of mine, I don't want to let my studies affect my performance in work.

...well, no point regretting now. Already 19 years into the journey of life as of last Monday. Had many nice and memorable birthdays.. having a friend going around getting people to sign on my birthday card.. having a friend come all the way to my place to surprise me.. having guitar club sing a birthday song for me.. having a group watching DEATH NOTE together.. (of all movies to watch on a birthday, thanks ah T17) Many all right birthdays as well.. but this year's one.. is the first one that I felt so depressed over. I wanted to cry so very badly.

It started off well. My best friend gave me a Liverpool Jersey last saturday! I was elated, obviously. I feel quite guilty about the sunken mood though, especially towards him who went through all that trouble. But still.. sigh. I mean.. well.. I don't know how to put it. Some of the conversations on that saturday just went like this.

Me : Jie happie belated birthday!! Sorry I didn't wish you earlier >_<
Jie : Thanks di! Happy belated birthday too =)
Me : ...

Me : My best friend got me a liverpool jersey with torres' name on it!
Friend A : *pauses a while*
Friend A : OMG!! SORRY!! HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!
Me : ...

Now I know how many people actually don't remember. Not a very good way to start. And the day before my birthday.. T17 came to raid my house. Without an invitation. Again. I AM grateful to them for taking the time here but.. it almost seemed like my dear friend Yihui forced them here. Plus I was stressed out over not having the time to complete my accounting assignment.. Two were absent from the beginning, one my best friend in T17.. one left in an hour's time to go for driving.. another left with him to go to relative's house.. two ended up studying here.. Eventually left me and Ivan, the only one that realli made the effort, and we went to play pool together. I suggested mainly because I didn't want him to make the trip here all the way from Pasir Ris only to have everyone to disorganized and all and then have him go home like that.. Well.. at the end of Sunday.. Save for Ivan and Yihui, they actually made me feel worse.

Then came the actual day. Sigh.. needless to say, when it started, I wasn't feeling good at all. I cheered up a bit when a few smses came in the morning (thanks Kendrick, Jane and Sarah =)) but the rest of the day continued to go downhill after that. To begin with.. well.. sigh, she broke my heart, haha. I don't dare to wish for anything beyond the line.. but.. even if the intention isn't there.. I just wanted to spend part of my birthday with the person I like. So.. I just asked her out without saying it was my birthday, because I didn't want her to feel obliged to do this. Okay.. I know she's already attached.. but.. I don't intend to do anything I shouldn't.. and I want to be selfish for once.. And it made me feel fortunate she accepted. But that was the last time I saw her online for the next 3 weeks, hahah, ha.. sigh. She either forgot or regretted her decision. No matter what it is.. it still hurts. If she forgot.. then that's about as much I mean to her even just as a friend.. if she didn't want to go.. why couldn't she tell me straight? It's not as if I won't understand.. if she's intentionally avoiding me.. I.. sigh. I don't know. I just got depressed thinking about it. And the last thing I needed on that day was to hear that my father wishes me happie birthday. The rage in me escalated and I had the urge to tear the nearest person to me into pieces. Who gives a damn about that Godforsaken bastard? After all, I swore, that if I saw him out there, I'll end his life with my own hands even at the expense of my life. And goodness, that bloody colleague of mine had to make things worse by calling and asking 'You think they'll get angry if I take another 2 days mc before those 2 days?' I slammed the phone down on him before thinking twice.

After that I got frustrated further by my own family. Looking at them, who simply refuse to change, who do the same old stuff that irritate the people around them. And I have that absurd mother of mine scolding my grandma while we were having dinner out just because my grandma knocked over a glass of chinese tea. What the heck, instead of 'Are you okay?' or anything along the lines of concern, she had to raise her voice and start on her clumsiness. Hello, she's not young anymore!! You won't be either at her age!! And she's your own mother for God's sake, can't you just show her a bit of respect, just on my birthday?!

And, on my birthday.. I set out after dinner to head to hougang to study late at night and try to complete my assignment.. At least Sgt Wilfred is damn nice and patient with teaching me. Accomplished quite a bit studying. At the end of the it.. before 12 came and inevitably, the end of the day, walking home in the rain seemed to be the only comfort that I was allowed to have. Aside from those wonderful friends I have, despite all that I'm still very very grateful to you people, thanks a lot, Edwin, Welyon, Kendrick, Ivan, Yihui, Jane, Sarah, Jiaying.

总是不经意的又想起你
一颗心悔恨地埋怨自己
爱怎么能忘记情怎么能抛弃
思念夜里怎么能不哭泣

岁月不经意地留下痕迹
缠绵的爱与愁在我心底
多么想拥抱你拥着你在怀里
黑暗夜里也不会再孤寂

如今我再也不能回到那过去
你的未来我总是来不及参与
多么想让你在生命里继续让回忆有圆满结局
如今我再也无法唱那首歌曲
交错的画面纠缠泛滥的情绪
回忆它总是让人百感交集加深我无尽的忧郁

好累又好寂寞……也好想她……

he yawned again at 9:41 PM