Apotheosis of evil. I'm a baptised christian who doubts the existence of God.
An avatar of anti-socialism who doesn't fit anywhere in humanity.
I'm tired and lonely... the world is meaningless to me... I want to be forgiven for my sin against someone
very dear. Yet that someone has become a mere memory, no longer an existence in my life.
Endless lament... sorrow... because I was foolish and stubborn.
"I once tried to exploit the darkness within me. But I failed, and it backfired. I was lost in the
darkness, and couldn't find the light."
August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
October 2009
It seems to me that I've been pretty much deluded for the first 18 years of my life. I guess people call me a fool and it's true. I always thought that... family aside, my friends came first. And I wouldn't mind going out of the way to do things for them. We find a friend in each other, that's most important. If you offer me other stuff in life, that's a plus.
Now things have changed. I've opened my eyes to reality. The world revolves around competitive advantages, strategic and tactical positions, offered through and between people. I was too stubborn in the past. Friendship is arguably the most worthless thing in the world. The right way to look at the world is to see everyone else as tools to survival and success. AND THEN if we can get along, good. THAT is the plus.
Some people... I will still value them more as a friend. If my faith should be misplaced... oh well. At least they gave me the feeling I could honestly trust them from the bottom of my heart. That's a real tiny minority though. I could count these people off my mind with just one hand. Edwin. Xiaowei. Kendrick. Kaiyuan. Jane. And it stops there really. The rest, I'm neutral towards some, we have mutual use for each other, but more often than not they're more of a nuisance in my life that disgust me and piss me off. How I hate these plastics.
As for my direction in life... I've spent a fair bit of time thinking about it. I need people to run with me. If they choose to walk, I'll leave them behind. I can't afford to slow down and walk with them, take them by the hand and lead them, carry them; all that, out of question. In other words, I need to get rid of a whole lot of useless people, and hope to find a group (tuckman model?) which will climb in life with me.
he yawned again at 10:35 AM